Humorous Quotes

/ Tag List / Humorous

1. “I might be in love with you." He smiles a little. "I'm waiting until I'm sure to tell you, though.”

Tags : Humorous
Author : Veronica Roth
Source : Divergent

2. “I tried to explain as much as I could," Poppet says. "I think I made an analogy about cake.""Well, that must have worked," Widget says. "Who doesn't like a good cake analogy?”

Tags : Cake Humorous Widget
Source : The Night Circus

3. “But I'm really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake.”

Tags : Cake Crossword Puzzles Humor Humorous Laziness Retirement Sleeping In
Author : Derek Landy
Source : Mortal Coil

4. “It sounded somewhat doom-laden, so I felt obliged to look it up more thoroughly, in case I should eat some chocolate rather quickly.”

Tags : Asteroids Chocolate Chocolate Problems Worry Humor Contingency Planning Coping Strategies Doom Drollery Emergency Preparation Humorous Humourous Quote Obligations

5. “Behind every humorist who delights in knifing hypocrites is a major self-critic.”

Tags : E Books Healthcare Reform Humorous Memoirs
Author : Wendy Aron

6. “Some people would not be dead if they have not gotten the things or people they had prayed for.”

Tags : Accident Accidents Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Blessed Blessing Blessings Curse Cursed Dead Downfall Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Joke Jokes Pray Prayer Prayers

7. “I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.”

Tags : Horror Humor Humorous Inspirational Pulp Fiction Steampunk
Author : G.D. Falksen

8. “You failed -your fart was not silent, my nose heard it's deafening noise.”

Tags : Amazing Endorse Fart Genius Humanity And Society Humour Humour Life Humourous Humourous Quote Imaginary Imagination Imagine Imagined In Good Spirits Inner Glow Intelligence Is Attractive Joke Mediocre People Men Mind Stupidity Thoughts Thoughts For The Quiet Hour

9. “I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.”

Tags : Brick Wall Dumb People Humor Humorous Insult Stupidity Vampire Vampire Boyfriend
Author : Derek Landy
Source : Death Bringer

10. “Ryker, you ride with Orlando,” Ryker mocked in a snarky voice as he turned to the other man. He gestured toward the Pinto with a look of revulsion on his rugged face. “How the hell does he expect both of us to fit into that tiny metal trap? Even if we could squeeze in, the tires will probably pop. In fact, let's just carry it over. It'll be faster that way.”

Tags : Cars Funny Hilarious Humorous Laughter Satire Snarky Werewolves
Author : Rose Wynters
Source : My Wolf Cowboy

11. “We have glorified wealth and freedom so much that it is impossible for most of us to truly believe that a man can truly be happy in a shack or within the confines of a prison cell.”

Tags : Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Confine Consumerism Content Exaggerate Funny Glorify Happiness Humorous Idolatry Inflate Jail Jailers Jails Jokes Joyous Liberation Prison Cells Prisons Riches Satire Shacks

12. “We think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Attraction Date Dating Funny Hate At Last Sight Hilarious Humorous Humour Infatuation Joke Jokes Love Love At First Sight Lust Marriage Marriages Marry Relationship Relationships Satire Wedding

13. “Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Commit Concubine Courtesans Date Girlfriends Heartbreakers Hetaerae Hetaeras Humor Humorous Hurt Infidelity Joke Jokes Marriage Mistress Mistresses Side Chick Side Dicks Wedding Weddings

14. “Some people love but will never marry each other. Some are married to but have never loved and will never love each other.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Commit Commitment Date Dating Funny Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Joke Jokes Love Marriage Marriages Marry Relationship Relationships Satire Wedding Weddings

15. “She decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation. He would be so worth it.”

Tags : Gay Humorous Young Adult
Source : Starcrossed

16. “How initially 'to get her in the sack' and subsequently to avoid 'her giving you the sack' are not identical dilemmas faced by the male species, but they sure have a bizarre habit of being bedfellows”

Tags : Advice For Life Advice To Beginners Appetites Bed Enticement Good Advice Habits Home Truths How To Be Happy Humanity Humorous Humourous Situations Learning Process Man Mankind Mentality Quotes For Women Sexual Prowess Skill Development Skill Sets Skilled Lover Wisdom Quote Wise Words
Author : Alex Morritt
Source : Impromptu Scribe

17. “Love may be on the horizon, but beware something wicked this way comes.”

Tags : Humorous Humour Werewolf
Author : Wilkie Martin
Source : Inspector Hobbes and the Curse: Comedy Crime Fantasy

18. “The Earl of Woolsey was indeed completely nude. He did not seem particularly perturbed by this fact, but Miss Tarabotti felt the sudden need to close her eyes tight and think about asparagus or something equally mundane.”

Tags : Alexia Tarabotti Asparagus Earl Of Woolsey Eyes Funny Gail Carriger Humor Humorous Lord Maccon Mundane Naked Nude Parasol Protectorate Perturbed Preternatural Romance Soulless Werewolf
Author : Gail Carriger
Source : Soulless

19. “He has been mad for you these many months, ever since you prodded him in the nether regions with a hedgehog.”

Tags : Alexia Tarabotti Animals Funny Gail Carriger Hedgehog Humor Humorous Lord Maccon Love Mad Nether Regions Nethers Parasol Protectorate Preternatural Romance Soulless Werewolf
Author : Gail Carriger
Source : Soulless

20. “Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.”

Tags : Comical Funny As Hell Funny But Sad Funny But True Funny Humor Hilarious Humor Humorous

21. “He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.”

Tags : Funny Funny But True Humor Humorous Humorous Quotes

22. “Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?”

Tags : Funny And Random Funny But True Funny Quotes Humor Humorous

23. “Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.”

Tags : Comedy Funny Funny But True Funny Quotes Humor Humorous

24. “Ish #153 "Artificial plants grow best in artificial light.”

Tags : Funny But True Funny Quotes Humor Humorous Tags Funny And Random

25. “They'll get my Kindle when they pry it from my cold dead hands, if my corpse will release it.”

Tags : Humorous Kindle Reading

26. “Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.”

Tags : Aphorist Bad Graphic Design Ebook Ebooks Font Fonts Funny Graphic Design Graphic Designer Graphic Designers Graphics Hilarious Humor Humour Illegibility Joke Jokes Layout Legible Satire Text Texts

27. “Eye Amost Evr Spel Ah Werd Wong Annymoe, sinc eye goat alto pel”

Tags : Humorous Humour Spell Spelling

28. “Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.”

Tags : Ambiguous Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Comprehend Comprehension Ear Eyes Funny General Semantics Glasses Hearing Hilarious Humor Humorous Joke Jokes Language Looking Misunderstand Misunderstanding Satire See Spectacles Understand Understanding

29. “Smiling always seems to annoy people more than actually insulting them. Or maybe I just have an annoying smile.”

Tags : Annoy Humorous Insulting Smiling
Author : Jim Butcher
Source : Storm Front

30. “If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.”

Tags : Fairy Tales Humor Humorous Philosophy Psychology
Author : Mo Willems
Source : Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs

31. “We seldom look up to the person; we usually look up to their persona.”

Tags : Admiration Admire Aphorism Aphorisms Confidantes Confidants Consultant Consultants Counselors Esteem Guide Hilarious Humorous Humour Impression Joke Jokes Mentors Persona Quotations Quotes Revere Reverence Role Model Satire Veneration

32. “I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.”

Tags : Humor Humorous Late Tardy Waiting

33. “Maybe you'll win when hell freezes over."He raised an eyebrow."That could be easily arranged.”

Tags : Humorous
Author : Aimee Carter
Source : The Goddess Test

34. “I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.'He grunted. 'Like I've never heard that before. Funny, but I expected a little more originality from Moira's daughter.''Yeah, well, the dog ate my notebook with all my good excuses.”

Tags : Excuses Funny Humorous Quote
Author : Mindee Arnett
Source : The Nightmare Affair

35. “I suspect he's sweet on Sophie and doesn't like to see her work too hard.'Tessa was glad to hear it. She'd felt awful about her reaction to Sophie's scar, and the thought that Sophie had a male admirer - and a handsome one like that- eased her conscience slightly. 'Perhaps he's in love with Agatha', she said.'I hope not. I intend to marry Agatha myself. She may be a thousand years old, but she makes an incomparable jam tart. Beauty fades, but cooking is eternal.”

Tags : Beauty Clockwork Angel Glib Humorous Infenal Devices Jam Tessa Gray Will Herondale
Source : Clockwork Angel

36. “Aw, kiss him, Gwen, clamored a hundred perky eggs. Shut up, she rebuked. We don't even know him, and until moments ago we thought he was dead. That's no way to start a relationship.”

Tags : Drustan Eggs Gwen Humorous Karen Marie Moning Kiss Kiss Of The Highlander
Source : Kiss of the Highlander

37. “Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.”

Tags : Airhead Aphorisms Around The Bend Bad Birdbrain Boob Bozo Brainless Chowderheaded Demented Dingbat Dolt Dumb Dumdum Fail Flake Foolish Galoot Goof Humor Informal No Hoper Nincompoop Peabrain Putz Quotations Schizophrenic Schlemiel Simpleton Stupid Thoughtless Underachiever Write Off

38. “We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.”

Tags : Around The Bend Batty Cuckoo Ethical Funny In Public Jokes Loopy Masturbate Mental Morality Non Compos Mentis Nutso Nutty Out To Lunch Precepts Raving Mad Societies Taboo Unhinged

39. “The adults said the only good food was the bacon, but the kids knew better. They had never had a more fun breakfast in their lives. Although they had to agree the bacon was very good. Then again, it was bacon. It was always good.”

Tags : Bacon Funny Humorous
Author : Ella Minster

40. “There would be fewer absent fathers, if straight men were turned on only by women with whom they would not mind having children.”

Tags : Absent Fathers Aphorism Aphorist Aphorists Child Funny Heterosexual Homophobe Homophobes Homophobia Homosexual Humorous Joke Jokes Kid Kids Offspring Orphans Pregnancies Pregnancy Pregnant Satire Sex Sexual Intercourse

41. “May my hands fall from my wrists before I kill an artist like yourself," said the man in black. "I would as soon destroy da Vinci. However"—and here he clubbed Inigo's head with the butt of his sword—"since I can't have you following me either, please understand that I hold you in the highest respect.”

Tags : Dread Pirate Roberts Fencing Humorous Inigo Montoya Wesley
Source : The Princess Bride

42. “Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.”

Tags : Aphorism Churches Churchgoer Congregation Daydream Do Doer Doers Funny Hilarious Humour Jokes Leg Nonbeliever Religion Synagogue Synagogues Wish Worship Worshippers

43. “Most unintelligent or foolish people do not regard themselves as that; they regard themselves as not-that-intelligent or not-that-wise.”

Tags : Able Bubbleheaded Canny Clever Discerning Dumb Gifted Insightful Intelligent Joke Logical Perceptive Prudent Quotes Sagacious Sane Sound Stupid Wise Witless

44. “Most women sell sex; most of them just don’t take cash (nor do they each sell to more than one ‘client’ at a time).”

Tags : Aphorists Cash Client Clients Commerce Consumerism Customer Debt Funny Hilarious Hookers Humour Husband Hustlers Jokes Marriages Materialism Procreation Prostitute Prostitutes Prostitution Quotes Relationship Reproduce Whore Working Girls

45. “A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.”

Tags : Books Branding Business Humor Funny Quote Headshot Humor Humor Quote Humor Quotes Humorous Intellectual Intellectuals Peek Peeking Personal Branding Photo Photographer Picture Professionalism Profile Pic Profile Picture Quotable Quote Restraining Order
Author : Ryan Lilly

46. “You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.”

Tags : Humor Humorous Poverty Poverty And Politics
Author : Will Cuppy
Source : The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody: Great Figures of History Hilariously Humbled

47. “What do they say about meeting a bear in the woods? Oh right, you shouldn't. And to make sure you don't, you should make a lot of noise so that they'll will know where you are and keep their distance because, supposedly, they're as nervous of us as we are of them. Which is all goo, except this bear doesn't seem the least bit nervous. He's giving me a look like I'm Goldilocks, ate his porridge, broke his chair, slept in his bed, and now it's payback time."- Widdershins”

Tags : Adversity Fairytales Humorous
Source : Widdershins

48. “Gideon laughed. "I like to be direct.""Okay," I said. "But I warn you, I like to be evasive, inserutable and generally send mixed messages." "I doubt it.""Human interaction is not my strong point," I told him. "Not seriously.""Seriously," I said. Thinking: There is so much about me he doesn't know. Gideon put his hand on my leg. "What's your strong point, then?""Goats," I told him. "I am excellent with goats.”

Tags : Chick Lit Chicklit Cute Humor Humorous Humour Lol Love
Author : E. Lockhart
Source : Real Live Boyfriends: Yes. Boyfriends, Plural. If My Life Weren't Complicated, I Wouldn't Be Ruby Oliver

49. “To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Calling Funny Hilarious Humorous Humour Joke Jokes Keyboard Life Of A Writer Murder Satire Self Murder Suicidal Suicide Suicides Type Typewriter Typewriters Writer Writers Writing Life

50. “Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.”

Tags : Abodes Aphorisms Automobile Automobiles Cheap Class Classes Earn Hilarious Home Homes House Humor Jokes Mansion Mansions Materialism Money Neighbor Neighbors Neighbourhood Neighbours Quotes Spirituality Wages

51. “Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.”

Tags : Aphorisms Attire Automobile Clothes Consumerism Date Divorce Envious Girlfriend Gold Digger House Humor Humorous Husband Materialism Money Partner Partners Salary Spouses Wages Woman

52. “[how can anyone] be silly enough to think himself better than other people, because his clothes are made of finer woolen thread than theirs. After all, those fine clothes were once worn by a sheep, and they never turned it into anything better than a sheep.”

Tags : Clothing Fashion Humorous Renaissance
Author : Thomas More
Source : Utopia

53. “Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.”

Tags : Abort Aids Aphorism Aphorists Condoms Contraceptive Contraceptives Dead Funny Hilarious Hiv Hiv Negative Hiv Positive Humor Jokes Life Manage One Night Stands Quotations Satire Sexual Intercourse

54. “It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.”

Tags : Adultery Ambiguity Amour Aphorism Aphorisms Be Unfaithful Cuckoldry Falseness Funny Hanky Panky Infidelity Jokes Open To Debate Orgasms Secret Spermatozoa Spermatozoon Stray Two Time Unfaithful Unfaithfulness Vague Walk On

55. “Doubt is a lot like faith; A mustard's seed worth changes everything.”

Tags : Family Relationships Humorous Literary Memoir Religion Meaning
Author : Donna Johnson
Source : Holy Ghost Girl: A Memoir

56. “There probably was a time when the idea of having a toilet inside a house was repulsive.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorists Comfort Station Convention Custom Funny Hilarious House Houses Humorous Ideas Innovation Invent Jokes Lavatory Loo Powder Room Restroom Satire Shelters Toilet Toilets Tradition Urinal

57. “Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.”

Tags : Accomplished Advertisers Aphorist Branding Competent Consummate Facility Gifted Humour Jokes Marketers Music Musos One Hit Wonder Personal Branding Quotations Radio Skill Skillful Technique Top Forty

58. “Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet.”

Tags : Australia Baby Safety Child Safety Dingo Dingoes Funny Humor Humorous Precaution Wild Animals
Author : Derek Landy
Source : Death Bringer

59. “Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.”

Tags : Aphorist Atheist Bible Chaplains Crooked Debauched Disreputable Evil Humour Irreproachable Jokes Nefarious Nonbelievers Padre Preacher Reprobate Shameless Unethical Unscrupulous Vicars Vile Villainous Wrongful

60. “The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.”

Tags : Adulthood Adults Aphorist Aphorists Child Childish Children Disrespect Disrespectful Funny Grow Up Grown Up Humor Immature Jokes Kid Mature Maturity Quotations Quotes Respectful Satire Suit Teenager Teenagers Treat Like A Child Treated

61. “The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them like a prince or a princess.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Appreciate Appreciation Funny Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Joke Jokes King Kings Prince Princes Princess Princesses Queen Queens Quotations Quotes Satire Unappreciated

62. “Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.”

Tags : Aphorist Breakups Date Dating Divorce Divorces Fable Fables Fairy Tale Fairy Tales Fantasy Fiction Hilarious Humorous King Kiss A Frog Kiss A Lot Of Frogs Kissers Kissing Marriage Princess Queens Quotations Quotes Romance

63. “Be generous with your smile and try not to frown.And you will see my children; your smile will never let you down ☺”

Tags : Children S Literature Education Educational Humorous Poetry Wisdom
Source : The King of Rhyme

64. “A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy'Albert Einstein”

Tags : Adult Romance Adultery Baby Baby Names Baby Shower Cheating Spouse Emotions Family Drama Family Relationships Friendship And Love Friendship True And Loyal Funny And Random Humorous Jenna Jaghe Labour Men And Women Psychiatry Single Single Life Single Motherhood Wedding Planning Weddings Women And Men Women S Inspirational Women Writers
Author : Victoria Ward
Source : The Unconventional Life of Jenna Jaghe

65. “We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.”

Tags : Beatific Blissfulness Broken Hearted Chirpy Content Contentment Desolation Exhilarated Glee Glum Good Spirits Grief Humorous Impression Jollity Joy Joyless Jumping For Joy Merry On Cloud Nine Opinions Pits Quotations Quotes Rapturous Satire Sunny Woebegone

66. “She had been a teenager once, and she knew that, despite the apparent contradictions, a person's teenage years lasted well into their fifties.”

Tags : Growing Up Humor Humorous Immaturity Teenagers Teens
Author : Derek Landy
Source : Mortal Coil

67. “Life sometimes confuses us by making us discover in someone we hate a quality or qualities we love.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Confuse Confusion Enemies Enemy Funny Hate Hatred Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Joke Jokes Qualities Quality Role Model Role Models Satire

68. “Since the teachers weren't picking, I ended up with a boy with bad body odour. 'You should wear deodorant,' I said to him. 'And you should shut your trap,' he replied.”

Tags : Gym Class High School Humorous Reality Of Life
Source : Fragile Bones: Harrison & Anna

69. “Some men’s chests are more buttlike than some women’s butts.”

Tags : Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Arse Ass Bums Buttocks Butts Calf Calves Chest Chests Exercise Gym Joke Jokes Leg Lift Muscle Muscles Shut Up And Squat Squat Squats Tone Toned Weight Workout

70. “To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans”

Tags : Clever Cool Cute Funny Humor Inspirational Humorous Inspirational Self Image Sweet
Author : Zoë Marriott
Source : The Swan Kingdom

71. “Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Argument Arguments Blame Boob Breast Breast Implants Condemnation Criticize Debates Disapprobation Dislike Dissatisfaction Distaste Hooters Humor Hypocrites Lay Into Quotations Satire Weave Weaves

72. “If that's the case, waiter, please bring me another piece of cake," Gramps said as lunch was brought to the table, "I'm all for fighting tyranny and oppression.”

Tags : Cake Crashing Your Diet Dessert Fighting For Your Right Fighting Tyranny Food Foodie Foodies Funny Gadfly Grandparents Humor Humorous Humourous Lunch Oppression Rights Tyranny
Source : Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

73. “I sometimes wonder how many beautiful black sweaters have been knit from my wool.”

Tags : Being Different Being Different Quotes Being Happy Being Yourself Human Nature Humorous Insirational
Author : D. M. Timney

74. “Let me tell you something about me. I love vengeance like normal people love sunsets and long walks on the beach. I eat vengeance with a spoon like it's honey. In fact, I may not even be a real person, but just a vow of vengeance made flesh.”

Tags : Humor Humorous Revenge Vengeance Zuzana
Author : Laini Taylor
Source : Night of Cake & Puppets

75. “You might want to lie down," Magnus advised. "I find that it helps when the crushing sense of horrible realization sets in.”

Tags : Humorous
Source : City of Ashes

76. “Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about these things. What (women) like is to be a man’s last romance.”

Tags : Humorous
Author : Oscar Wilde

77. “Thanks,” I muttered and added under my breath, “Douchebag.”He laughed, deep and throaty. “Now that’s not very ladylike, Kittycat.”I whipped around. “Don’t ever call me that,” I snapped.“It’s better than calling someone a douchebag, isn’t it?” He pushed out the door. “This has been a stimulating visit. I’ll cherish it for a long time to come.”Okay. That was it. “You know, you’re right. How wrong of me to call you a douchebag. Because a douchebag is too nice of a word for you,” I said, smiling sweetly. “You’re a dickhead.”“A dickhead?” he repeated. “How charming.”I flipped him off.”

Tags : Humorous
Source : Obsidian

78. “I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.”

Tags : Humorous Naughty Wordplay
Author : Oscar Wilde

79. “I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.”

Tags : Humorous Women
Author : Gilda Radner

80. “I picked up one of the books and flipped through it. Don't get me wrong, I like reading. But some books should come with warning labels: Caution: contains characters and plots guaranteed to induce sleepiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery after ingesting more than one chapter. Has been known to cause blindness, seizures and a terminal loathing of literature. Should only be taken under the supervision of a highly trained English teacher. Preferably one who grades on the curve.”

Tags : Books Boring Books Humorous
Source : Twisted

81. “It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt”

Tags : Humorous
Author : Mark Twain

82. “He [Iggy] started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total. “You’re black.”“I prefer canine-American,” said Total.”

Tags : Humorous
Source : The Final Warning

83. “I like to think I'm helping them by hating them. I'm reminding them that they aren't God's gift to humankind.”

Tags : Humorous Sassy
Author : Veronica Roth
Source : Divergent

84. “Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.”

Tags : Animals Apes Humor Humorous Mammals Primates
Author : Will Cuppy

85. “Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.”

Tags : Happiness Humorous Solemnity

86. “I can be a regular bitch. Just try me.”

Tags : Humorous
Author : Stieg Larsson
Source : The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

87. “Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton.”

Tags : Humorous
Author : Dean Koontz

88. “You’re not going to let her do this, are you?” Bones snorted. “Let her? Mate, if you think you can control a woman, you must be single—-and a thousand pounds says she beats your arse.”

Tags : Bones Cat Humorous
Source : This Side of the Grave

89. “He had a dashing smile. It nearly dashed right off his face.”

Tags : Humorous
Author : Shannon Hale
Source : Austenland

90. “My dear Reaper," Vlad said, still laughing. 'Did you just check out our-''No!' I interrupted at once, almost lunging toward the staircase. 'I'm tired and still dazed from the Remanats and ... fuck it, I'm taking a shower. I mean, not a cold shower, because I don't need that.' -oh Jesus I was only making this worse- 'because I am cold already, and I need to get hot. I mean, warmer. Oh just shut up!' " -Pg 280”

Tags : Humorous
Source : This Side of the Grave

91. “Citizen's arrest," he said. "Well, that, and Patch told me to.”

Tags : Humorous
Source : Crescendo

92. “I only have so much willpower, Helen," he whispered. "And since you apparently sleep in the most ridiculously transparent tank top I've ever seen, I'm going to have to ask you to get under the covers before I do something stupid.”

Tags : Humorous Love Lucas
Source : Starcrossed

93. “Much slower, I turned around to see Vlad examining his fingernails, as if his hands weren't still ablaze in the flames that had blasted the ghoul's head off moments before.'what the hell was that?' I gasped.'Premature inflammation,' He replied. 'Happens sometimes. Very embarrassing, I don't like to talk about it.' ”

Tags : Humorous
Source : This Side of the Grave

94. “Dean: If there is a greater power, why is it he can't get you a new sweater?Jamie: Because, he's too busy looking for your brain.”

Tags : Humorous
Source : A Walk to Remember

95. “There's a name for people with an interest in the moon," Alex said. "They're called lunatics.”

Tags : Humorous
Source : Crocodile Tears

96. “Bones didn’t share any of my qualms about suddenly holding an arm that wasn’t attached to a body anymore. He just grabbed the ghoul by his other arm and began thumping him over the head with the loose limb. I’d heard Bones threaten to beat someone with their own limb before, but I’d always assumed that was a figure of speech. Apparently not.”

Tags : Bones Cat Humorous
Source : This Side of the Grave

97. “Just so you know, I hate camping. I'm not so much appreciating the fact that there's no bathroom out here. 'Nature calls' while walking in nature is on my list of least favorite things. You tigers, and men in general, have it so much easier than us girls.”

Tags : Humorous
Author : Colleen Houck
Source : Tiger's Curse

98. “It was strange and amusing...and, honestly, a bit realize how much being near Bella had softened me. It seemed like no one was afraid of me any more. If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughing for the next century.”

Tags : Humorous
Source : Midnight Sun

99. “It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.”

Tags : 20S Dating Fitzgerald Flapper Funny Gatsby Girls Head And Shoulders Humor Humorous Kissing Kissing Quotes Lol Love Romance Zelda
Source : Gatsby Girls

100. “There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.”

Tags : Cheat Cheating Child Couple Faithful Family Foreplay Girlfriend Hilarious Humorous Husband Husbands Jokes Lingerie Mood Offspring Quotations Reproduce Sex Drive Sexual Intercourse

101. “Death would not surprise us as often as it does, if we let go of the misbelief that newborns are less mortal than the elderly.”

Tags : Birth Burial Bury Fallacy Funeral Hilarious Humorous Immortal Kid Kids Life Life After Death Misbelief Misbeliefs Misconception Misconceptions Old Age Philosopher Philosophic Philosophy Prepare Quotes Rest In Peace Rip Satire Stoics Tomb

102. “Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.”

Tags : Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Child Children Family Gay Gays Humour Joke Jokes Love Lovers Marriages Out Of Love Parent Parenthood Partner Partners Penis Procreation Relationship Relationships Spouse Vagina Vaginas

103. “My toes are a total wreck, my fingernails worse, and god knows my hair could use a registered nurse.”

Tags : Bad Day Beauty Glamour Hair Humorous Style
Author : Jack Bunbury
Source : He/She Smells a Hoo-Hoo

104. “Some people do not really hate aging; they merely love the colour black.”

Tags : Age Aging Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Black Dark Funny Gray Gray Hair Gray Hairs Grey Grey Hair Grey Hairs Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Jokes Old Age Satire White Hair White Hairs Wrinkle Wrinkles

105. “...he spent whole days and nights over his books; and thus with little sleeping and much reading his brains dried up to such a degree that he lost the use of his reason.”

Tags : Humorous Meaningful

106. “Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.”

Tags : Aphorisms Aphorist Bashful Bashfulness Can Do Extrovert Farouche Girls Hilarious Humor Infuriating Introversion Introverted Irritation Mettle Mousiness Nervous Poise Poised Positive Quotations Reticent Self Consciousness Shyness Timid Tiresome Unconfident Unperturbed Withdrawn

107. “Some people’s self-esteem was secretly improved when they discovered that their then-lovers had killed themselves over them.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Assertiveness Boyfriend Boyfriends Boys Confidence Confident Courage Esteem Girl Girls Humor Husband Improve Joke Kill Kill Herself Over Kill Oneself Over Killed Killed Herself Over Phlegm Poise Secret Self Assurance Self Murders Suicidal Suicides Wives

108. “We are sometimes depressed by our failure to convince people who strongly believe that we are that we are definitely not depressed.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorist Aphorists Beliefs Believe Convince Depress Depressed Depression Fail Happy Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Impression Impressions Joke Jokes Quotations Quotes Sad Sadness Satire Unhappy

109. “We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.”

Tags : Aphorisms Be Persistent Doggedness Dreamers Follow Through Give Up Go The Distance Hammer Away Hilarious Humor Joke Keep At It Persist Persistence Poverty Press On Problem Quotations Stay The Course Strength Struggle On Tenacity Tirelessness Trial Want

110. “The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion.”

Tags : Humorous Truthful

111. “Which just goes to show, I guess, that dinner parties are like everything else - not as fragile as we think they are.”

Tags : Humorous Truthful Witty
Author : Julie Powell
Source : Julie and Julia: 365 Days, 524 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment Kitchen: How One Girl Risked Her Marriage, Her Job, and Her Sanity to Master the Art of Living

112. “Even those who want to go to heaven would rather kill than be killed.”

Tags : Aphorisms Aphorist Atheists Belief Beliefs Church Churches Death Drive Funny God Gods Heaven And Hell Hereafter Hilarious Humor Humorous Instincts Killed Killer Murderer Murderers Phobia Religion Self Preservation Theist Theists

113. “You're under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

Tags : Arrest Arrested Humor Humorous Rights
Author : Derek Landy
Source : Mortal Coil

114. “Adventuring turned out to be boring. Zach thought back to all the fantasy books he'd read where a team of questers traveled overland, and realized a few things. First he'd pictured himself with a loyal steed that would have done most of the walking, so he hadn't anticipated the blister forming on his left heel or the tiny pebble that seemed to have worked its way under his sock, so that even when he stripped off his sneaker he couldn't find it.He hadn't thought about how hot the sun would be either. When he put together his bunch of provisions, he never thought about bringing sunblock. Aragorn never wore sunblock. Taran never wore sunblock. Percy never wore sunblock. But despite all that precedent for going without, he was pretty sure his nose would be lobster-red the next time he looked in the mirror.He was thirsty, too, something that happened a lot in books, but his dry throat bothered him more than it had ever seemed to bother any character.And, unlike in books where random brigands and monsters jumped out just when things got unbearably dull, there was nothing to fight except for the clouds of gnats, several of which Zach was pretty sure he'd accidentally swallowed.”

Tags : Adventuring Fantasy Humorous Reality
Author : Holly Black
Source : Doll Bones

115. “I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?”

Tags : Death Humor Funny Funny Quote Funny Quotes Grave Gravestone Humorous Humour Ironic Irony Lawn Lawns Quotable Quotable Quote Quotables Quote Quotes Thistle Thistles Weeds
Author : Ryan Lilly
Source : Write like no one is reading

116. “He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Appearance Attire Clean Clothes Dirt Dirty Dude Fop Funny Glamour Boy Hilarious Humour Impression Jokes Man About Town Pretty Boy Quotes Rake Satire Sharp Dresser Trendy Wardrobe

117. “Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.”

Tags : Funny Funny As Hell Funny Quotes Funny Stuff Humor Humor Work Humorous Humour Wisdom Writer Writers Block Writers On Writing Writing Writing Philosophy
Author : Lili St. Crow

118. “There are times when I am so unlike myself that I might be taken for someone else of an entirely opposite character.”

Tags : Change Flexibility Humorous Personal Development Personality Self
Source : Confessions

119. “-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.”

Tags : Comeback Funny And Random Humor Humorous Satire Wit Witty Quotes
Source : Maskerade

120. “Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Funny Hate Hatred Heartbreak Heartbreaker Heartbreakers Heartbroken Hilarious Humorous Joke Jokes Love Marriages Marry Quotations Quotes Relationship Relationships Requite Requited Satire Unrequited

121. “Many obese people spend a significant amount of their energy on suppressing the urge to tell some of the people who are staring at them that they do not eat as much and as frequently as they seem to.”

Tags : Beefy Blubbery Chubbiness Chubby Corpulence Diet Eat Flabby Food Gluttony Greedy Hilarious Lanky Paunchy Plumpness Portliness Potbellied Pudgy Rangy Rotundity Takeouts Underfed Urge Waiflike

122. “Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.”

Tags : Aphorists Attend Believe Dead Denial Denial Of Death Die Funeral Funny Hereafter Hilarious Humor Humour Immortal Immortality Insane Life After Death Life And Death Mortal Rip Sanity Satire The Hereafter

123. “You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.”

Tags : Aphorists Atheists Book College Cook Book Cook Books Education Home House Humorous Literature Marks Please Quotes Reader Readers Reading Satire Schooling Scriptures Study Television Universities

124. “Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.”

Tags : Anguish Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Attitude Buddhism Culture Dying Funeral Funny Heaven Heaven And Hell Hereafter Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Jokes Life After Death Non Attachment Pain Portray Satire

125. “Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.”

Tags : Act Actors Actresses Affect Aphorisms Erection Fake Feign Film Humour Movie Nollywood Penises Perform Play Plays Porn Pornography Pretend Quotations Sex Theater Theatre

126. “A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorist Aphorists Board Game Board Games Checkmate Draw Funny Game Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Ice Ice Cubes Joke Jokes Satire Sport Sports Stalemate Water Wrestle

127. “Sh!t. F_ck sh!t.'....'Sh!t f_ck would have also been accepted.”

Tags : Awesomeness Humorous
Author : Ilona Andrews
Source : Magic Strikes

128. “Graham Chapman, co-author of the "Parrot Sketch", is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky. And I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, of such capability for kindness, of such unusual intelligence, should now so suddenly be spirited away at the age of only forty-eight, before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he'd had enough fun. Well, I feel that I should say: nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard, I hope he fries. And the reason I feel I should say this is he would never forgive me if I didn't, if I threw away this glorious opportunity to shock you all on his behalf. Anything for him but mindless good taste. (He paused, then claimed that Chapman had whipered in his ear while he was writing the speech):All right, Cleese. You say you're very proud of being the very first person ever to say 'shit' on British television. If this service is really for me, just for starters, I want you to become the first person ever at a British memorial service to say 'fuck'.”

Tags : Death Funeral Funeral Speech Funny Graham Chapman Humorous Humour John Cleese Monty Python
Author : John Cleese

129. “-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful."-"It was stupid.”

Tags : Comebacks Comedy Comical Funny Humor Humorous Ironic Satire Sharp Witty
Source : Westmark

130. “In small towns, news travels at the speed of boredom.”

Tags : Gossip Humorous Rural Life

131. “...I gotta burn these scales... sigh*”

Tags : Diet Funny Humorous Scale Weight
Author : Hiroko Sakai

132. “Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.”

Tags : Funny Hollywood Humorous Picasso

133. “Jack might look my age, but he was like a little kid on a sugar high --- in need of a good spanking. --- Good heavens, that sounded creepy.”

Tags : Evie Humorous Jack
Source : Supernaturally

134. “Corrival looked around. 'So is this it? Is everyone here? Erskine, maybe you should start the ball rolling. I have places to go and things to do.''Me?' Ravel asked. 'Why do I have to start it? You're the most respected mage here. You start it, or Skulduggery.'Skulduggery shook his head. 'I can't start it. I don't like most of these people. I might start shooting.”

Tags : Conversation Gathering Grudges Humor Humorous Mages Magic Skulduggery Pleasant
Author : Derek Landy
Source : Mortal Coil

135. “We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.”

Tags : Acquaintance Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Brand Branding First Impression First Impressions Friend Friends Funny Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Impress Impression Impressions Introduce Introduction Joke Marketing Meet Meeting Met Network Networking Personal Brand Satire

136. “Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.”

Tags : Beatific Blithe Carefree Chirpy Elated Exhilarated First Impressions Gratified Grinning Humorous Humour In A Good Mood In Seventh Heaven Jocular Joke Joy Joyful Jubilant Jumping For Joy Lighthearted On A High On Top Of The World Over The Moon Pleased Pretense Unhappiness Unhappy Walking On Air

137. “I don't use big words to show off because it's ostentatious.”

Tags : Funny Humorous Ironic Ostentatious Pretentious Show Off Witty
Author : Don Roff

138. “It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel.”

Tags : Author Benighted Capability Capacity Comprehension Education Escape Expertness Funny Grasp Have Mastered Humorous Jokes Mastery Novel Pain Sadness Skill Sorrow Sustainable Understand Understanding Unlearned Well Read Woman Of Letters Women Of Letters

139. “Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Discover Discovering Dream Dream Husband Dream Lover Dream Man Dream Partner Dream Spouse Dream Wife Dream Woman Find Find Out Funny Humorous Humour Ideal Ideal Husband Ideal Partner Ideal Spouse Ideal Wife Ideal Woman Joke Jokes Love Nightmare Partner Partners Satire

140. “The only real reason that some relationships and marriages have not yet been ended is because in each case one of the partners has not yet found their ideal partner or someone they love or at least like.”

Tags : Aphorism Boyfriend Boyfriends Breakups End Ended Funny Girlfriend Girlfriends Humorous Humour Ideal Ideal Boyfriend Ideal Partner Ideal Woman Joke Jokes Marriage Marriages Relationship Terminated

141. “The mountain trembled like an earthquake. Dust flew into the sky. And the rock turned dark red, like the color of blood'. 'How would you know?' Asks Sindhi cap. 'You only have a black and white television'.'But it's a very good one. You can almost see colours.”

Tags : Humorous Nuclear Weapons
Author : Mohsin Hamid
Source : Moth Smoke

142. “People ask me where I got my x-ray powers. I inherited them from my parents in parental supervision. Erase the dots and your doubts if you think that I was 'raysed' alone.”

Tags : Autobiographical Autobiography Childhood Childhood Memories Enlightment Figurative Homographic Homophonic Humorous Paranormal Play On Words Pun Puns Raised Rethorical Super Powers Supernatural Supervision Telepathy Third Eye Wordplay X Ray X Ray Vision
Source : The Tao of Physical and Spiritual

143. “Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.”

Tags : Comedy Entertainment Humor Humorous

144. “I tried to blow a yellow jacket out and now it's wearing a bow tie in its mouth.”

Tags : Bee Humorous Nature Naughty Funny Naughty Humor

145. “You know, Becky, you haven't been the same since that crowbar fell on your head.”

Tags : Humor Humorous Memoirs Women S

146. “It was not that he was feckless, more that he had simply not been around the day they handed out feck.”

Tags : Feckless Humorous Wordplay
Author : Neil Gaiman
Source : Anansi Boys

147. “You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.”

Tags : Afterlife Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Dead Death Funny Greed Greedy Hereafter Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Ignorance Ignorant Immortal Immortality Joke Jokes Live Forever Mortal Mortality Satire Satisfaction

148. “I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.”

Tags : Best Things In Life Expensive Expensive Dreams Free Funny Humorous Humour Life Nothing Is Free Philosophy Sad But True Satire Satirical Satirical Humor Twitter Twitter Quotes

149. “How many beers do y'all think it takes before one internationally scientist turns to another and says, 'Dude, bet you twenty bucks I can levitate a frog with a magnet?' ' Sam drawled.”

Tags : Beers Bet Drawled Drunk Dude Frogs Funny Humorous Levitate Magnets Random Sam Scientist
Source : The Beginning of Everything

150. “A true Vor, Miles told himself severely, does not bury his face in his liegewoman's breasts and cry--even if he is at a convenient height for it.”

Tags : Humorous Miles Vorkosigan
Source : The Warrior's Apprentice

151. “When you are suffering from sexual starvation, a spank or even a hug seems like a porn scene.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Beat Funny Hilarious Hugs Hugs And Kisses Humor Humorous Humour Joke Jokes Kiss Kisses Painful Porn Porno Pornography Scene Single Spanks Starvation Starve Suffer Suffering Whip

152. “If you don't have any feelings for Will Darcy, why are you blushing and fixing your hair?”

Tags : Charlotte Darcy Humorous Lizzie
Source : Prom and Prejudice

153. “A woman calls from Seaview to say her linen closet is missing. Last September, her house had six bedrooms, two linen closets. She's sure of it. Now she's only got one. She comes to open her beach house for the summer. She drives out from the city with the kids and the nanny and the dog, and here they are with all heir luggage, and their towels are gone. Disappeared. Poof. Bermuda triangulated.”

Tags : Bermuda Disappearance Humorous
Source : Diary

154. “People who always arrive early aren't worth waiting for.”

Tags : Arrival Corporate Culture Facts Generalizations Humorous Lacking Confidence People Quotes Random Self Esteem Statement Theory Thoughts Waiting Work
Author : Crystal Woods
Source : Write like no one is reading 2

155. “Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorists Derelict Down And Out Drifter Drifters Funny Hilarious Hoboes Hobos Homelessness Humor Humour Hunger Hungry Itinerants Joke Orphans Poverty Line Satire Starvation Starving Street Kid Street Kids Vagabond Vagabonds Vagrant

156. “Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.”

Tags : Above Oneself Aphorism Aphorists Arrogance Bigoted Bigotry Cocksure Cocky Conceit Full Of Oneself Funny Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Irritating Mean Spirited Narrow Minded Provincial Satire Self Satisfied Small Town Too Big For One S Britches Unimaginative

157. “You’re practically begging for it, aren’t you?” he murmured.“No.”His chuckle rasped over her senses. “I like begging, Reagan.”“I’m not going to beg.”He was silent for a moment, his fingers still playing, and she wondered if she’d said the wrong thing. Then he said softly, “Damn.”

Tags : Begging Humorous
Source : Power Shift

158. “--he stopped and eyed Bill Corso--"if you choose to just sit here like a bored jungle gorilla, you will have to write out this quote as many times as you can during the next hour.”

Tags : Detention Humorous
Author : A.S. King
Source : Please Ignore Vera Dietz

159. “Don't that make your bosom plim?”

Tags : Dialectics Humorous
Author : Thomas Hardy

160. “It’s not the obviousness or the complexity of the things that’s deftly deluding mankind. It’s man himself.”

Tags : Ambiguity Clarity Complexity Humorous Obviousness Time Management
Author : Pawan Mishra
Source : Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy

161. “Owning a drone does not a pilot make.”

Tags : Ace Aerial Perspective Air Traffic Amateurs Drone Pilot Education Knowledge Educational Quotes Expert Beginner Flying Flying Quotes Humor Quotes Inexperienced Intelligent Machines Pilot Error Quotable Remotely Piloted Aircraft Remotely Piloted Vehicle Robot Rpa Rpa S Rpv S Tongue In Cheek Humor Train Unmanned Aircraft Wipe Out
Author : Alex Morritt
Source : Impromptu Scribe

162. “Closed head trauma is about as much fun as nude paintballing.”

Tags : Fantasy Humorous Speculative Fiction
Author : D.C. Farmer
Source : The 400lb Gorilla

163. “(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?”

Tags : Borge Fat Funny Humor Humorous Opera Piano Singers Victor Victor Borge
Author : Victor Borge

164. “That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.”

Tags : Arts And Humanities Dinner Finales Food Funny Humor Humorous Humour Late Night Supper Late Nights Life Life And Death Music Opera Opera Singers Operas Prima Donna Singers Singing Supper Theater Theatre Of The Absurd When Plans Go Wrong
Source : Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

165. “Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.”

Tags : Ability Able Act Acting Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorists Cripple Debilitated Differently Abled Dishonor Handicapped Hilarious Humor Humorous Ignominy Immobilized Incapacitated Infirm Joke Jokes Pretend Pretending Pretense Satire Shamed Stigma

166. “If you were an animal, what would you be?" I wrote, "A bumblebee trying to fuck a marble.”

Tags : Humorous
Author : Wells Tower
Source : Everything Ravaged, Everything Burned

167. “You live in a damnably twisted and convoluted world," replied Mathias. "And you are trampling accross it with all the delicacy of an elephant in a glass shop!" -Conversation between Mathias Munster and Giacomo Foscarini”

Tags : Arguement Delicacy Delicate Humorous
Source : The Lion and the Rose

168. “Panty Melter: an exceedingly rare species of man blessed with so many desirable attributes he effortlessly gains access into a girl's panties.”

Tags : Crazy Little Things Humor Humorous Humorous Romance Laugh Out Loud Mankind Tracy Brogan
Author : Tracy Brogan
Source : Crazy Little Thing

169. “You don't even know if she really likes you, Oberon said as we exited and I unlocked my bike. She could be doing her customer service routine and stringing you along in hopes of a big tip the next time you come in. With dogs you just go up and smell their asses and you know where you stand, it's so much easier. Why can't humans do that?”

Tags : Humorous Oberon
Author : Kevin Hearne
Source : Hounded

170. “The dweam of wuv wapped wiffin the gweater dweam of everwasting west. Eternity is our fwiend, wemember that, and wuv wiw fowwow you fowever.”

Tags : Buttercup Humorous Prince Humperdinck Wedding
Source : The Princess Bride

171. “Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and his python in his pants.”

Tags : Evangeline Anderson Humorous Romance Science Fiction Romance
Source : Claimed

172. “Where's the pleasure in bein' the winner if the loser ain't alive to know they've lost?”

Tags : Humorous Losing Winning
Source : Witches Abroad

173. “I'm past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I'd win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.”

Tags : Arguments Bathroom Competing Conflict Contests Funny But True Humor Humorous Old Age

174. “Oh, that's just Thud! That's easy!" yapped a voice.Both men turned to look at Horsefry, who had been made perky by sheer relief."I used to play it when I was a kid," he burbled. It's boring. The dwarfs always win!"Gilt and Vetinari shared a look. It said: While I loathe you and every aspect of your personal philosophy to a depth unplummable by any line, I'll credit you at least with not being Crispin Horsefry.”

Tags : Contempt Enemy Going Postal Hate Humorous Loathing Vetinari
Source : Going Postal

175. “After all, nothing nurtures a friendship bond more than the ability to consistently bitch about someone else!”

Tags : Bitching Friendship Friendship And Love Funny Humorous Relationship
Author : Pawan Mishra
Source : Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy

176. “Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not know it or them anymore.”

Tags : Acquaintance Acquaintances Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Embarrass Embarrassing Forget Forgetting Forgot Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Hurt Hurtful Introduce Introduction Joke Jokes Meet Memories Memory Memory Loss Quotations Quotes Remember Satire Stranger Strangers

177. “Some men are dogs; some dogs are women.”

Tags : Adultery Aphorists Breakup Breakups Cheaters Cheating Date Divorce Divorces Dog Dogs Joke Loyal Loyalty Man Marriage Men Mistress Quotations Relationship Relationships Satire Woman

178. “Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish.”

Tags : Answered Prayer Answered Prayers Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Cherish Downfall Funny Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Joke Jokes Perish Prayer Prayers Satire

179. “Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.”

Tags : Being Polite Democracy Dinner Dinner Conversation Dinners Ettiquette Freedom Freedom Of Speech Funny Gadfly Humor Humorous Ironic Political Correctness Rights Sad But True Table Manners
Source : Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

180. “Of all the things in the world, I'm particularly amazed at, is the conviction with which the MIND, endorses an Idea, which is phenomenal, as it differentiates the Genius from Mediocre, or not to forget the human stupidity in particular!”

Tags : Amazement Amazing Endorse Genius Gut Feelings Gut Instincts Humanity And Society Humanity Quotes Humor Inspirational Humorous Intelligence Quote Intelligence Quotient Men Mind Mind Power Mystery Stupidity Thought Provoking Thoughts Thoughts For The Quiet Hour Thoughts Of The Mind Thoughts On Life Uniqueness Of Individual

181. “Most people would rather eat inside a windowless room in which they have just defecated than eat inside one in which someone else has just farted, even if the room does not have a toilet.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorists Defecate Defecation Faeces Farted Farts Humor Humorous Joke Jokes Lavatory Loo Narcissism Restroom Toilet Toilets Urinal Vanity

182. “There's a place for farts, and there's a place for sharts.”

Tags : Fart Humorous
Author : J.E. Haldeman

183. “Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying them without money.”

Tags : Humor Inspirational Humorous
Author : Ogden Nash

184. “You know what I could use? A thrill.”

Tags : Humor Humor Quotes Humorous
Author : Jim Moorman

185. “Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder, 'What the hell just happened?”

Tags : Humorous Humorous Philosophy Humorous Quotations

186. “Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.”

Tags : Humor Humorous Humorous Quotations Humorous Quotes

187. “Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection.”

Tags : Humorous Humorous Philosophy Humorous Quotations

188. “Otis," I said."Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis.""I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.”

Tags : Comedy Funny Humor Humorous Humorous Quoations Humorous Quotes Humour
Author : Rick Riordan
Source : Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard, Book Two: The Hammer of Thor

189. “Today I feel like I did tomorrow.”

Tags : Comedy Comedy Humor Humor Humorist Humorous Humorous Quotes

190. “Had a cold hummus with pita bread, Under a delicious food, yellow or red. Might just have the appetite to cook Urgent dinner by hook or crook.So that's just a humus humor spread.”

Tags : Across Acrostic Bread Dinner Food Hummus Humor Humorous Humour Humour Quote Humourous Situations Humus Jokes Limerick Pita Poems Poetry Puns Spreading Words
Source : ACross Tic

191. “Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Ashamed Comfort Station Embarrassed Funny Humorous Humour Joke Lavatory Parent Parenthood Parents Pass Potty Training Pride Satire Shame Toilet Toilet Training Toilets Washroom

192. “Most nobodies are somebodies and most somebodies are nobodies somewhere.”

Tags : Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Celeb Celebrities Celebrity Celebs Fame Famous Funny Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Joke Jokes Media Personal Brand Personal Branding Publicity Satire The Media Well Known

193. “Memories of the past are what drive us, whether to a life of beauty or a life of insanity is up to us.”

Tags : Belief Business Confidence Death Desire Dreams Education Failure Faith Family Forgiveness Happiness Hate Heart Imagination Leadership Life Loneliness Marriage One Liner Optimism Patriotism Poems Relationship Religion School Truth War Wisdom Wise
Source : Life " Beginning of an End "

194. “Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, So ... Love the people who treat you right and pray for the ones who don't. Life is 10% what you make it 90% how you take it.”

Tags : Aim Anger Death Education Faith Fear God Happiness Heart History Hope Humorous Inspirational Leadership Loneliness One Liner Peace Poems Poverty Religion Romantic Sad Success Truth War Wisdom Wise Witty
Source : Life " Beginning of an End "

195. “In the end all the puzzles of your life will be solved ,until then... laugh at the scepticism, live for the moment and remember everything happens for a reason.”

Tags : Age Aim Confidence Desire Failure Faith Family Fear Forgiveness God Happiness Hope Leadership Life Love Optimism Patriotism Peace Poems Politics Science Time War Wisdom Wise
Source : Life " Beginning of an End "

196. “Tenderhearted people are silent sufferers they just learn the art to fly with broken wings.”

Tags : Aim Confidence Courage Death Desire Education Family Forgiveness Goal Happiness Hate Heart History Humorous Leadership Life Loneliness Love Marriage Opportunity Optimism Patience Patriotism Peace Poems Relationship Science Time Truth War
Source : Life " Beginning of an End "

197. “Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.”

Tags : Aim Belief Change Confidence Courage Death Desire Failure Goal Happiness Heart History Humorous Inspirational Life Optimism Patience Patriotism Peace Politics Poverty Relationship Romantic Sad School Success Ve Attitude War Wisdom Wise
Source : Life " Beginning of an End "

198. “A person with good heart is always happy. However its a myth because most of the time his heart is full of wounds as it except only good thing from others still he love the people who treat it right & pray for the ones who don't”

Tags : Anger Belief Change Creativity Dreams Family Fear Forgiveness Goal Happiness Hate History Humorous Leadership Life Opportunity Patience Peace Philosophy Poems Poverty Relationship Romantic Sad Science Time Witty
Source : Life " Beginning of an End "

199. “Life is about the moments you create,that you can keep with you forever.After everything is over,That is what we have or what we are left with.”

Tags : Age Anger Desire Faith Family Fear Forgiveness Goal Hate Life Love One Liner Opportunity Patience Peace Politics Relationship Sad School Science Success Wisdom Wise Witty
Source : Life " Beginning of an End "

200. “If someone talks bad about us, we feel bad. If someone talks good about us we feel good. The question is ,Have we given our remote to others for the way we feel?Live your life in your way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Tags : Age Belief Business Desire Dreams Education Failure God Happiness Hate Humorous Imagination Inspirational Life Love Marriage One Liner Optimism Patience Patriotism Peace Politics Poverty School War Wisdom Wise
Source : Life " Beginning of an End "