Humor Quotes

/ Tag List / Humor

1. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”

Tags : Human Nature Humor Infinity Philosophy Science Stupidity Universe

2. “So many books, so little time.”

Tags : Books Humor
Author : Frank Zappa

3. “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

Tags : Humor Life
Author : Mae West

4. “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”

Tags : Humor Insanity Life Misattributed Ben Franklin Misattributed Mark Twain Misattributed To Einstein

5. “Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

Tags : Absurdity Belief Credulity Doubt Evidence Gullibility Humor Indoctrination Invisible Reason Skepticism
Author : George Carlin

6. “I don't accept the currently fashionable assertion that any view is automatically as worthy of respect as any equal and opposite view. My view is that the moon is made of rock. If someone says to me 'Well, you haven't been there, have you? You haven't seen it for yourself, so my view that it is made of Norwegian Beaver Cheese is equally valid' - then I can't even be bothered to argue. There is such a thing as the burden of proof, and in the case of god, as in the case of the composition of the moon, this has shifted radically. God used to be the best explanation we'd got, and we've now got vastly better ones. God is no longer an explanation of anything, but has instead become something that would itself need an insurmountable amount of explaining. So I don't think that being convinced that there is no god is as irrational or arrogant a point of view as belief that there is. I don't think the matter calls for even-handedness at all.”

Tags : Atheism Belief Burden Of Proof Explanation Humor Interview Science
Author : Douglas Adams

7. “I've decided that I'm going to collect as many spiders in a jar as I can and then pour them all over you, William Flecter. Seeing as how it's good to face your fears.”

Tags : Fears Humor Revenge
Source : A Mad, Wicked Folly

8. “Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.”

Tags : Humor Wisdom
Source : The Wise Man's Fear

9. “I’d heard you were dead.”"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.”

Tags : Humor Insults Put Downs Rumors Witty
Source : The Wise Man's Fear

10. “She washed he hands,then looked at my side. "you haven't even had it stitched?" She said incredulously."I've been rather busy," I said. "With the running like hell and hiding all night.”

Tags : Humor Kvothe Name Of The Wind Sarcasm
Source : The Name of the Wind

11. “You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge.”

Tags : Humor
Author : J.K. Rowling
Source : Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

12. “Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or –""Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet.""Great idea though, thanks, Mum.”

Tags : Fred Weasley George Weasley Humor Molly Weasley Toilet
Author : J.K. Rowling
Source : Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

13. “I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse, expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed.”

Tags : Humor School
Author : J.K. Rowling
Source : Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

14. “Can't stay long, Mother," he said. "I'm up front, the prefects have got two compartments to themselves-""Oh, are you a prefect, Percy?" said one of the twins, with an air of great surprise. "You should have said something, we had no idea.""Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it," said the other twin. "Once-""Or twice-""A minute-""All summer-""Oh, shut up," said Percy the Prefect.”

Tags : Fred Weasley George Weasley Humor Percy Weasley Prefect
Author : J.K. Rowling
Source : Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

15. “Alas! Earwax!”

Tags : Dumbledore Humor
Author : J.K. Rowling
Source : Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

16. “Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.”

Tags : Humor
Author : J.K. Rowling
Source : Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

17. “Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy—this boy!—knows nothin' abou'—about ANYTHING?"Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad."I know some things," he said. "I can, you know, do math and stuff.”

Tags : Cluelessness Humor Ignorance Math
Author : J.K. Rowling
Source : Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

18. “Fred, you next," the plump woman said. "I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?" "Sorry, George, dear." "Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went.”

Tags : Family Humor Twins
Author : J.K. Rowling
Source : Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

19. “I have something I need to tell you," he says. I run my fingers along the tendons in his hands and look back at him. "I might be in love with you." He smiles a little. "I'm waiting until I'm sure to tell you, though.""That's sensible of you," I say, smiling too. "We should find some paper so you can make a list or a chart or something."I feel his laughter against my side, his nose sliding along my jaw, his lips pressing my ear."Maybe I'm already sure," he says, "and I just don't want to frighten you."I laugh a little. "Then you should know better.""Fine," he says. "Then I love you.”

Tags : Beatrice Divergent Humor Love Tobias
Author : Veronica Roth
Source : Divergent

20. “Moths," repeats Will. "You're afraid of moths?" "Not just a cloud of moths," she says, "like...a swarm of them. Everywhere. All those wings and legs and..." She shudders and shakes her head."Terrifying," Will says with mock seriousness. "That's my girl. Tough as cotton balls.""Oh, Shut up.”

Tags : Humor
Author : Veronica Roth
Source : Divergent

21. “Can you be a girl for a few seconds?""I'm always a girl" I frown."You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.”

Tags : Christina Divergent Funny Humor Tris Veronica Roth
Author : Veronica Roth
Source : Divergent

22. “Four flips the gun in this hand, presses the barrel to Peter's forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth. "Wake. Up," Four snaps. "You are holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it.”

Tags : Humor
Author : Veronica Roth
Source : Divergent

23. “I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.”

Tags : Allegiant Blood Divergent Humor
Author : Veronica Roth
Source : Allegiant

24. “You are your mother's trueborn son of Lannister.""Am I?" the dwarf replied, sardonic. "Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he's never been sure.""I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said. "Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs."And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune. When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king.”

Tags : Bastards Dwarfs Humor Jon Snow King Sarcasm Tyrion Lannister
Source : A Game of Thrones

25. “She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.”

Tags : Bravery Fish Humor
Author : Rick Riordan
Source : The Lightning Thief

26. “The story so far:In the beginning the Universe was created.This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

Tags : Humor Scifi
Author : Douglas Adams
Source : The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

27. “The problem is, or rather one of the problems, for there are many, a sizeable proportion of which are continually clogging up the civil, commercial, and criminal courts in all areas of the Galaxy, and especially, where possible, the more corrupt ones, this.The previous sentence makes sense. That is not the problem.This is:Change.Read it through again and you'll get it.”

Tags : Humor Science Scifi
Author : Douglas Adams
Source : So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

28. “Goodnight baby, sleep in peace. After you kill that bitch!""Goodnight mom!”

Tags : Humor Scifi
Source : Born of Ice

29. “I think we have different value systems." —Arthur"Well mine's better." —Ford”

Tags : Humor Science Scifi
Author : Douglas Adams
Source : Mostly Harmless

30. “What the Lady was happening? The man had his mouth smashing on Tarin's, and his tongue was shoving at Tarin's tongue. Tarin tried to scream. The men did eat boys. It wasn't just a scary fire-rumor. He bucked his body and writhed. He was going to be consumed alive!"Lady!" he bawled like a little kid. It sort of worked. The man moved his mouth and laughed."Now, no fussing. I won't hurt you if you're a good boy.""Don't eat me," moaned Tarin. He was too scared to be brave. This was why no boys ever escaped from the Before Times buildings. The men ate them! No wonder men were so sleek and strong. They had boy meat to get them through the winter”

Tags : Humor M M Scifi
Author : Syd McGinley
Source : Out of the Woods

31. “I’ll stab him,” offers Jaden as she makes a stabbing motion.“You expect me to play along?” Rob scoffs, gripping his arm protectively.“Pretty much,” replies Landon earnestly.“You’re serious?”“As a heart attack.”“No,” argues Rob. “I’m not going to let Jaden—or anyone else—skewer me.” He’s greeted with an amused silence. “Bleedin’ crime is what it is,” he mutters. “Why can’t someone else go all noble sacrifice-y? It’s because I’m English, ain’t it?”

Tags : Forsaken Harbor Humor Laura Kreitzer Scifi Summer Chronicles
Source : Forsaken Harbor

32. “Gabrielle chuckled, her dark eyes twinkling. “So he’s been after you, has he? Poor Etta, pursued by a sun priest offering to pleasure—” “Every nook and cranny,” Marietta interrupted dryly and Gabrielle tipped her head back with a throaty laugh.”

Tags : Comedy Fantasy Humor Romance Science Fiction Scifi Sexual Humor Short Stories
Source : The Lover's Gift Regained

33. “I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.”

Tags : Beatles Humor Music Nonjudgemental

34. “(Media question to Beatles during first U.S. tour 1964)"How do you find America?""Turn left at Greenland.”

Tags : America Beatles Geography Greenland Humor Media Wordplay
Author : Ringo Starr

35. “I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

Tags : Death Fear Humor Life
Author : Woody Allen

36. “You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.”

Tags : Christianity Fundamentalism God Humor Idolatry Misattributed To Anne Lamott Spirituality Truth
Author : Anne Lamott

37. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”

Tags : Comedy Everyday Life Funny Humor Observational Comedy
Author : Chris Rock

38. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”

Tags : Automobile Car Funny Humor Religious
Author : Billy Sunday
Source : Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words Which Have Won Thousands for Christ

39. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

Tags : Funny Humanity Humor
Author : George Carlin

40. “What the hell is that?" I laughed."It's my fox hat.""Your fox hat?""Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.""Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked."Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”

Tags : Funny Humor
Author : John Green
Source : Looking for Alaska

41. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

Tags : Classic Insult Funeral Funny Humor
Author : Mark Twain

42. “That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

Tags : America Dream Funny Humor Wealth
Author : George Carlin

43. “I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me.""It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.”

Tags : Funny Humor
Source : City of Ashes

44. “I'm going to wake Peeta," I say."No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”

Tags : Funny Humor Prank
Source : Catching Fire

45. “Headline?" he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.”

Tags : Funny Humor Humour Internet John Green Pedophile Pedophilia Tfios The Fault In Our Stars
Author : John Green
Source : The Fault in Our Stars

46. “Can you surf really well, then?"I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh."Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)”

Tags : Annabeth Chase Athena Funny Humor Myth Mythology Olympians Percy Jackson Posiedon The Lightning Thief Zeus
Author : Rick Riordan

47. “You've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed.”

Tags : Humor Life Lessons Wrestling
Author : John Irving
Source : The Hotel New Hampshire

48. “Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”

Tags : Dating Humor Relationships Soulmates
Source : Sex and the City

49. “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

Tags : Humor Success
Author : W.C. Fields

50. “So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”

Tags : Humor Inspirational Success
Author : Dr. Seuss
Source : Oh, The Places You'll Go!

51. “The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.”

Tags : Friendship Happiness Humor Inspirational Jealousy Success
Author : Bette Midler

52. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. ”

Tags : Humor Success
Author : Mark Twain

53. “Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”

Tags : Humor Religion

54. “When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.”

Tags : God Humor Religion
Author : Stephen King
Source : Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay

55. “Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”

Tags : Atheism Humor Life Religion
Author : George Carlin

56. “Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on TheeAnd I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.”

Tags : Humor Poetry Religion
Author : Robert Frost

57. “No sight so sad as that of a naughty child," he began, "especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?""They go to hell," was my ready and orthodox answer."And what is hell? Can you tell me that?""A pit full of fire.""And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?""No, sir.""What must you do to avoid it?"I deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: "I must keep in good health and not die.”

Tags : Children Hell Humor Religion
Source : Jane Eyre

58. “The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”

Tags : Humor Philosophy Religion
Author : Mark Twain

59. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

Tags : Deadlines Humor Humour Work Writing
Author : Douglas Adams
Source : The Salmon of Doubt

60. “Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”

Tags : Humor Writing
Author : Mark Twain

61. “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”

Tags : History Humor Writing

62. “I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.”

Tags : Faith Fool Humor Self Confidence Self Irony
Source : Marginalia

63. “The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.”

Tags : City Of Bones Humor Jace Wayland Quotes
Source : City of Bones

64. “Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”

Tags : Definitions Humor Quotations Quotes Satire
Source : The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

65. “To err is human, to purr is feline.”

Tags : Cats Err Error Feline Human Humor Purr Purring Quotes Robert Byrne
Author : Robert Byrne
Source : The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said

66. “Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again."So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...”

Tags : Death Humor Sarcasm
Author : J.K. Rowling
Source : Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

67. “It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.”

Tags : Death Humor Life
Source : The Last Continent

68. “Don't feel bad, I'm usually about to die.”

Tags : Death Greek Humor Mythology Percy Jackson Sorry
Author : Rick Riordan
Source : The Battle of the Labyrinth

69. “Even Google can't reach God.”

Tags : Humor Inspirational Quotes Life Striving To Be Perfect

70. “I don't know why people are afraid of lust. Then I can imagine that they are very afraid of me, for I have a great lust for everything. A lust for life, a lust for how the summer-heated street feels beneath my feet, a lust for the touch of another's skin on my skin...a lust for everything. I even lust after cake. Yes, I am very lusty and very scary.”

Tags : Human Nature Humanism Humor Humor Fear Inspiration Inspirational Inspirational Life Inspirational Quotes Inspiring Life Life And Living Living Loving Life Lust Lust For Life Lustful Lusty Passion Passion For Life Passion For Living Passionate Living Passions
Author : C. JoyBell C.

71. “Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped," he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?""Frank!" Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it.""Kissed a couple of times," Percy said.Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping!”

Tags : Found Funny Humor Kissing Lol Oh My God Percy Otp Foreva
Author : Rick Riordan
Source : The Mark of Athena

72. “As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don't bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it's very powerful, and should be used sparingly.”

Tags : Humor Kissing
Author : John Green
Source : Paper Towns

73. “What do you think they're going to do to us when they find us guilty?" she says after a few minutes of silence have passed."Honestly?""Does now seem like the time for honesty?"I look at her from the corner of my eye. "I think they're going to force us to eat lots of cake and then take an unreasonably long nap.”

Tags : Cake Guilty Humor Naps Trial
Author : Veronica Roth
Source : Insurgent

74. “If I was made of cake I'd eat myself before somebody else could.”

Tags : Cake Child Humor Self
Author : Emma Donoghue
Source : Room

75. “But I'm really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake.”

Tags : Cake Crossword Puzzles Humor Humorous Laziness Retirement Sleeping In
Author : Derek Landy
Source : Mortal Coil

76. “I got out on the street and started crying the kind of hysterical tears made justifiable only by turning off one’s cell phone, putting it to the ear, and pretending to be told of a death in the family.”

Tags : Cake Crying Death Humor

77. “I suppose I wanted to have my cake and eat it.But then again, what were you going to do with your cake if not eat it?Frame it?Use it as a sachet in your underwear drawer?”

Tags : Cake Humor
Author : Marian Keyes
Source : Watermelon

78. “You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”

Tags : Humor Immature Young
Author : Pat Monahan

79. “Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.”

Tags : Desire Funny Honesty Humor Humour Love Lust Passion Relationships Romance Sex Truth Wisdom Young Young Adult Young Adults Youth
Author : Jess C. Scott
Source : The Intern

80. “The human body is the best work of art.”

Tags : Art Beauty Body Body Image Dancer Desire Fashion Fitness Food For Thought Funny Girl Hip Hop Honesty Humor Humour Lust Lust For Life Passion Young Young Adult Young Adults Youth
Author : Jess C. Scott

81. “A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement”

Tags : Beauty Culture Dancer Desire Food Food For Thought Girl Honesty Humour Individuality Life Love Passion Reality Relationships Truth Young Adult Young Adult Literature Young Adult Novels Youth
Author : Jess C. Scott

82. “V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.”

Tags : Body Books Culture Desire Friendship Funny Girl Honesty Humour Imagination Individuality Love Novel Reality Relationships Romance Self Technology
Author : Jess C. Scott
Source : EyeLeash: A Blog Novel

83. “My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.”

Tags : Body Books Cool Culture Desire Emotion Friendship Girl Honesty Humor Imagination Life Love Novel Passion Reality Relationships Romance Self Sex Technology Truth Wisdom Young Youth
Author : Jess C. Scott
Source : EyeLeash: A Blog Novel

84. “Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.”

Tags : Body Boy Boyfriend Boys Cool Desire Emotion Friendship Funny Honesty Humor Humour Imagination Individuality Life Love Music Novel Poems Poetry Poetry Life Poets Romance Self Sex Technology Truth Wisdom Young
Author : Jess C. Scott
Source : EyeLeash: A Blog Novel

85. “I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like.”

Tags : Bisexual Bisexuals Body Books Boy Cool Desire Erotic Erotica Friendship Funny Gay Men Gay Rights Glbt Honesty Humor Imagination Individuality Life Love Music Novel Relationships Self Sex Sexuality Truth Wisdom Young
Author : Jess C. Scott
Source : New Order

86. “Please, touch me, I pray.”

Tags : Desire Funny Girl Hip Hop Honesty Humor Humour Imagination Individuality Life Love Lust Lust For Life Novel Reality Romance Self Sex Truth Wisdom Young Adult Young Adult Fiction Young Adult Literature Young Adults
Author : Jess C. Scott
Source : The Intern

87. “Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.”

Tags : Humor Imagine Know Money Old Sarcasm Young
Author : Oscar Wilde
Source : The Picture of Dorian Gray and Other Writings

88. “There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.”

Tags : Child Children Contagious Contagiousness Funny Humor Innocence Innocent Kid Kids Kids Funny Laugh Laughing Laughter Mischief Mischievous Rascal Suspicion Suspicious Young Youth
Author : Criss Jami
Source : Killosophy

89. “When I touched her body,I believed she was God.In the curves of her formI found the birth of Man,the creation of the world,and the origin of all life.”

Tags : Adolescent Body Bravery Cool Creation Creation Myth Erotic Erotica Femininity Feminism Womanhood Fight For Love Girls Human Individuality Jeune Fille Life Love Men Passion Passionate Love Relationships Roman Payne Society S Increasing Stupidity Strength Technology Unbreakable Spirit Wandering Wisdom Womanliness Women
Author : Roman Payne

90. “Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again.”

Tags : Dark Humor Humor Marriage Women S Strength
Author : Gillian Flynn
Source : Gone Girl

91. “Uh.. you'er Sophie?" Mrianda ventured"That's me""How old areyou?"Sophie rolled ker wide brown eyes, "Ahunderd and forty-eight" she relied. "I got to live back when women coulden't vote, isn't that awesome?”

Tags : Humor Women S Rights
Author : Dianne Sylvan
Source : Queen of Shadows

92. “I wish he were better at hailing taxis than I am; on the other hand, I realize that expectation is culturally conditioned, utterly foolish, has nothing to do with anything, is exactly the kind of thinking that ought to be got rid of in our society; on still another hand, having that insight into my reaction does not seem to calm my irritation.”

Tags : Humor Women S Rights
Author : Nora Ephron
Source : Crazy Salad: Some Things About Women

93. “It takes more than balls to be a woman. It takes ovaries.”

Tags : Bravery Feminist Quotes Humor Sexes Women S Rights

94. “Skupljanje hrane nesumnjivo je bilo na prvom mjestu ženskih dužnosti budući da je taj zadatak održavao pleme na životu. Ni u jednom se trenutku pretpovijesne žene s djecom ili bez nje nisu oslanjale na svoje partnere, lovce, za nabavku hrane.”

Tags : Humor Inspirational Life Man Women S Rights Women S Strength
Source : Who Cooked the Last Supper?: The Women's History of the World

95. “I hear myself saying these words: What this movement is about is options. I say it to friends who are frustrated, or housebound, or guilty, or child-laden, and what I'm really thinking is, If you really got it together, the option you would choose is mine.”

Tags : Humor Women S Rights
Author : Nora Ephron
Source : Crazy Salad: Some Things About Women

96. “When life gives you lemons. . . You might as well shove 'em where the sun don't shine, because you sure as hell aren't ever going to see any lemonade.”

Tags : Humor Lemonade Lemons Nightlife
Author : Rob Thurman
Source : Nightlife

97. “The room was a small square of hopelessness.A flash of red. And then:Dimensions: 10 ft. by 9 ft.I swallowed a horrific giggle. Perfect. And now I knew the exact measurements of hopelessness.”

Tags : Android Humor
Author : Debra Driza
Source : MILA 2.0

98. “Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.”

Tags : Humor Love Metaphor Simpsons
Author : Matt Groening
Source : The Big Book of Hell

99. “MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT.”

Tags : Grave Offenses Humor
Source : Moon Called

100. “I don't like it when I outweigh my men.”

Tags : Humor Love Women
Source : Moon Called

101. “Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.”

Tags : Humor Jealousy Love
Author : J.R. Ward
Source : Dark Lover

102. “I'm a werewolf trapped in a human body.""Well, yeah, that's kind of the definition.""No, really. I'm trapped.""Oh? When was the last time you shape-shifted?""That's just it - I've never shape-shifted.""So you're not really a werewolf.""Not yet. But I was meant to be one, I just know it. How do I get a werewolf to attack me?"Stand in the middle of a forest under a full moon with a raw steak tied to your face, holding a sign that says, 'Eat me; I'm stupid'?”

Tags : Humor Stupidity Werewolves
Author : Carrie Vaughn
Source : Kitty and the Midnight Hour

103. “Did you like question ten, Moony?" asked Sirius as they emerged into the entrance hall."Loved it," said Lupin briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question.""D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" said James in tones of mock concern."Think I did," said Lupin seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: He's sitting on my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus Lupin...”

Tags : Humor James Potter Remus Lupin Sirius Black Werewolf
Author : J.K. Rowling
Source : Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

104. “I heard the man and woman cry a warning as I frantically racked my brain for some sort of throat-repairing spell, which I was clearly about to need. Of course the only words that I actually managed to yell at the werewolf as he ran at me were, 'BAD DOG!'Then, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a flash of blue light on my left. Suddenly, the werewolf seemed to smack into an invisible wall just inches in front of me...."You know," someone said off to my left, "I usually find a blocking spell to be a lot more effective than yelling 'Bad dog,' but maybe that's just me.”

Tags : Dog Hex Hall Humor Rachel Hawkins Spell Werewolf Witch
Source : Hex Hall

105. “Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word "bitch" is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that."Hey there, bitches!" I called as I came through the door. "What are my favorite bitches up to today?”

Tags : Bitch Bitches Humor Vampires Werewolf Werewolves Women
Author : Molly Harper
Source : Nice Girls Don't Date Dead Men

106. “One of my professors once told me that the last official act of the British monarchy was when Queen Victoria refused to sign a law that made same-sex acts illegal. It would have made me think more highly of her, except the reason she objected was because she didn’t believe women would do anything like that. Parliament rewrote the law so it was specific to men, and she signed it. A tribute to enlightenment, Queen Victoria was not. Neither, as I have observed before, are werewolf packs. ”

Tags : Fiction History Humor Queen Victoria Shifters Urban Fantasy Walker Werewolf
Source : Moon Called

107. “There's an inverse relationship between my temper and my ability to control my accent. If you hear me say 'Fiddledeedee', run for the hills, because I'm getting ready to take out bystanders.”

Tags : Humor Mo Molly Harper Werewolf
Author : Molly Harper
Source : How to Flirt with a Naked Werewolf

108. “In a werewolf pack, you cannot interfere with the mate choice of a clan fellow. You cannot intentionally harm that werewolf’s chosen mate. You are not, however, required to help that person should he find himself in a life - threatening situation.Somehow, Zeb had managed to stumble into several such situations in the few months since he ’d been engaged to Jolene. He’d had several hunting “accidents” while visiting the McClaine farm, even though he didn’t hunt. The brakes on his car had failed while he was driving home from the farm—twice. Also, a running chainsaw mysteriously fell on him from a hayloft.He would never get that pinkie toe back.”

Tags : Humor Hunting Pinkie Toe Vampire Werewolf
Author : Molly Harper
Source : Nice Girls Don't Date Dead Men

109. “I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.”

Tags : Abomination Artists Creativity Dr Jekyll Dr Jekyll And Mr Hyde Funny Funny But True Humor Insomnia Morning Mr Hyde Night Sleeplessness Werewolf
Author : Criss Jami
Source : Killosophy

110. “I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'.”

Tags : Humor Labels Stalking
Author : Molly Harper

111. “Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and... reproduction.”

Tags : Alliteration Humor Werewolves
Source : Stolen

112. “People who entered the Courtyard without an invitation were just plain crazy! Wolves were big and scary and so fluffy, how could anyone resist hugging one just to feel all that fur?“Ignore the fluffy,” she muttered. “Remember the part about big and scary.”

Tags : Fluffy Humor Werewolves Wolves
Author : Anne Bishop
Source : Written in Red

113. “What would a racist call werewolves? Wargs? She kind of liked that one, but suspected that racist bastards didn't read Tolkien.”

Tags : Humor Irony Racism Tolkien Werewolves
Source : Fair Game

114. “The cow-shaped cookies have a beef flavoring, the turkey-shaped cookies have a poultry flavoring, and..."Jane held up one of the cookies. "Human-flavored?"Meg stifled a sigh. That would be the first thing on her feedback list: don't make people-shaped cookies. The Wolves were way too interested and all of them leaped to a logical, if disturbing, expectation about the taste.”

Tags : Humor Werewolves
Author : Anne Bishop
Source : Murder of Crows

115. “My fur is silky, damn it.”

Tags : Humor Riley Werewolves
Source : Unraveled

116. “IF you wish to be a writer then don't wait until you write the "great American novel" for they aren't written they are created. If you don't write at all you won't know how "great" that simple book can be.”

Tags : Alpha Beta Males Historical Romance Humor Interracial Romance Satyrs Shiree Mccarver Vampires Virgin Males Werewolves

117. “If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”

Tags : Einstein Human Humor Philosophy Stupidity

118. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

Tags : Human Nature Humor Misattributed George Carlin Stupidity
Author : George Carlin

119. “In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.”

Tags : Humor Politics Stupidity

120. “He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”

Tags : Classic Insult Humor Intelligence People Stupidity

121. “The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.”

Tags : Humor Stupidity

122. “I gave up on cussing - I'd run out of words filthy enough - and just started praying.”

Tags : Cursing Humor Pain
Author : Sarah Monette
Source : The Virtu

123. “I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.”

Tags : Attention Books Humor Mind Wit

124. “Cabel gives her a quizzical look. "I am totally not getting enough attention here.”

Tags : Attention Humor
Author : Lisa McMann
Source : Fade

125. “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.”

Tags : Humor Men Women
Author : Mark Twain

126. “Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.”

Tags : Humor Men Witchcraft Witches Women
Author : Neil Gaiman

127. “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

Tags : Humor Men

128. “I like men who have a future and women who have a past.”

Tags : Epigram Humor Men Women
Author : Oscar Wilde

129. “To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.”

Tags : Humor Political Politics
Author : Douglas Adams
Source : The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

130. “It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.”

Tags : Humor Political
Source : The Illuminati Papers

131. “You cannot take away freedom to protect it, you cannot destroy the free market to save it, and you cannot uphold freedom of speech by silencing those with whom you disagree. To take rights away to defend them or to spend your way out of debt defies common sense.”

Tags : Humor Political
Author : Glenn Beck
Source : Glenn Beck's Common Sense: The Case Against an Out-of-Control Government, Inspired by Thomas Paine

132. “Just because I like to suck cock doesn't make me any less American than Jesse Helms.”

Tags : Gay Gay Rights Humor Oral Sex Politics

133. “Another Thing I'm Sick of Hearing:If I started that gay rights group, I must be gay.So if i start an animal rights group,what does that make me?A giraffe?”

Tags : Addie On The Inside Gay Rights Humor
Author : James Howe
Source : Addie on the Inside

134. “Still it is true that many same-sex couples want nothing more than to join society as fully integrated socially responsible family-centered taxpaying Little League-coaching nation-serving respectably married citizens. So why not welcome them in Why not recruit them by the vanload to sweep in on heroic wings and save the flagging and battered old institution of matrimony from a bunch of apathetic ne'er-do-well heterosexual deadbeats like me”

Tags : Commitment Gay Marriage Gay Rights Homosexual Humor Marriage Matrimony Same Sex Marriage
Source : Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage

135. “Not all gays respond to the same stuff. Would Alexander the Great have loved Auntie Mame?”

Tags : Equality Gay Gay Rights Gay Stereotypes Humor
Author : Bruce Bawer

136. “Life Is Too Short--So Kiss Slowly,Laugh Insanely, Love Truly,And Live With Passion.”

Tags : E Books Erotic Massage Humor Massage Mysteries Paperbacks Romance Funny Romantic Comedy
Author : Andy Vogt

137. “Kindle - who needs it, jag har 3000, 35 000 böcker i huvudet eller i flyttkartongerna på vinden.”

Tags : E Books Ebooks Humor Kindle Svenska Swedish

138. “I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

Tags : Drinking Humor Misattributed Spoonerism Wordplay

139. “But one place ain't no different from no place else. People try and make it like everything's new only to find the devil done followed you wherever you moved and all you can do is hold him off whiles you catch your breath”

Tags : Humor Irony Of Life
Author : Amina Gautier
Source : At-Risk

140. “Hell was grey. Dim and lifeless... I felt numb and in pain at the same time and that was not supposed to happen in heaven. But you would think that with all the queers they had sent here since time began, hell would have a better decorating job.”

Tags : Decorating Hell Humor
Author : J.M. Redmann
Source : Death by the Riverside

141. “People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.”

Tags : Humor Sci Fi Sleep
Author : George Carlin
Source : Brain Droppings

142. “The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.”

Tags : Humor Sci Fi Star Wars
Author : George Lucas

143. “I'm the terrorist, do what I say or I'll terrorize you.”

Tags : Humor Sci Fi
Author : D.J. MacHale
Source : Raven Rise

144. “I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

Tags : Humor Sci Fi Sf
Author : Steven Wright

145. “Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and had taken up composing short dolorous ditties of no tone, or indeed tune. The latest one was a lullaby.Marvin droned,Now the world has gone to bed,Darkness won't engulf my head,I can see in infrared,How I hate the night.He paused to gather the artistic and emotional strength to tackle the next verse.Now I lay me down to sleep,Try to count electric sheep,Sweet dream wishes you can keep,How I hate the night.”

Tags : Counting Sheep H2G2 Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy Humor Marvin Sci Fi
Author : Douglas Adams
Source : Life, the Universe and Everything

146. “His hand snapped shut over the device and then he crossed his arms. Aria stared in horror. Her Smarteye was buried in a Neanderthal’s armpit.”

Tags : Adventure Humor Romance Sci Fi
Source : Under the Never Sky

147. “Share and Enjoy' is the company motto of the hugely successful Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Division, which now covers the major land masses of three medium-sized planets and is the only part of the Corporation to have shown a consistent profit in recent years. The motto stands-- or rather stood-- in three mile high illuminated letters near the Complaints Department spaceport on Eadrax. Unfortunately its weight was such that shortly after it was erected, the ground beneath the letters caved in and they dropped for nearly half their length through the offices of many talented young Complaints executives-- now deceased.The protruding upper halves of the letters now appear, in the local language, to read "Go stick your head in a pig," and are no longer illuminated, except at times of special celebration.”

Tags : Humor Sci Fi
Author : Douglas Adams
Source : The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide: Five Complete Novels and One Story

148. “A present is not the source of buying someone's love but its a source of showing how much u love and apriciate that particular person”

Tags : Friends Friendship Humor Inspirational Science Love
Author : Ralph Ramovha

149. “Es gibt keinen Gott und Dirac ist sein Prophet. (There is no God and Dirac is his Prophet.){A remark made during the Fifth Solvay International Conference (October 1927), after a discussion of the religious views of various physicists, at which all the participants laughed, including Dirac, as quoted in Teil und das Ganze (1969), by Werner Heisenberg, p. 119; it is an ironic play on the Muslim statement of faith, the Shahada, often translated: 'There is no god but Allah, and Muhammad is his Prophet.'}”

Tags : Allah Atheism Dirac Heisenberg Humor Islam Muhammad Muslim Paul Am Dirac Paul Dirac Physics Prophet Religious Views Science Werner Heisenberg

150. “Our friend Dirac has a creed; and the main tenet of that creed is: There is no God, and Dirac is his prophet.”

Tags : Creed Dirac Friend Humor No God Paul Am Dirac Paul Dirac Prophet Science Tenet

151. “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard there's nothing you can do.”

Tags : Humor Inevitability Old Age
Author : Golda Meir
Source : As good as Golda;: The warmth and wisdom of Israel's Prime Minister

152. “The land of easy mathematics where he who works adds up and he who retires subtracts.”

Tags : Ageing Aging Aging Gracefully Economy Getting Older Growing Old Humor Inevitability Irony Of Life Jobs Life Living Mathematics Middle Age Nuria Ano Old Age Old Aged Old People Retired Retiring Work Worker Workers Works
Author : Núria Añó

153. “Europe, the land of easy mathematics where he who works adds up and he who retires subtracts. The land where the economy gets to stagger all over the continent.”

Tags : Age Aging Gracefully Continent European Economic Area Europeans Humor Irony Of Life Job Jobs Life Living Middle Age Nuria Ano Old Age Old Aged Work Worker Workers Works
Author : Núria Añó

154. “Ah college years, those were the days. Pure freedom ... leaving home for the first time…the parties…”"What about the tutorials, the lectures, the large building with all the books called the ‘library’?”“Is that what those were?” Gerry blithely replied.”

Tags : Books College Colleges Funny Humor Humour Humourous Leaving Home Libraries Library Party Partying Student Days Students Studying University University Of Life
Source : Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

155. “Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at."When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.”

Tags : Humor Iq Smart Talent
Author : David Sedaris
Source : Me Talk Pretty One Day

156. “Exactly!" said Deep Thought. "So once you do know what the question actually is, you'll know what the answer means.”

Tags : Answer Humor Life Meaning Question
Author : Douglas Adams
Source : The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

157. “You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?''REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX.”

Tags : Apocalypse Death Hells Angels Humor
Author : Neil Gaiman
Source : Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

158. “Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them.”

Tags : Apocalypse Humor
Author : Neil Gaiman
Source : Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

159. “My Zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave.Seems more logical than undergoing all kinds of hardships only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped lips)”

Tags : Apocalypse Humor Zombie
Author : Graham Parke

160. “What if nobody showed up at Armageddon?”

Tags : Apocalypse Humor Inspiration Philosophy
Author : C.R. Strahan

161. “Are you going to rape me at any point or anything?" I just figured it was good to get things out in the open, get myself in the right headspace. He whipped his head around and looked at me like I'd just insulted his grandmother. "The fuck? No, I'm not." He gave me the squint side-long. "Are you going to rape me?”

Tags : Apocalypse Humor Hun M M Romance Zombies
Source : El Presidio Rides North

162. “Oh, you're a picky sort, huh?" He laughed. "That takes balls, being choosy at a time like this.”

Tags : Apocalypse Humor M M Romance Zombies
Source : El Presidio Rides North

163. “Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?”

Tags : Humor Puck
Author : Julie Kagawa
Source : The Iron King

164. “It is the iron." Grimalkin picked his way over a puddle, then leaped atop a fallen tree, shaking out his paws."This close to the false king's realm, his influence is stronger that ever. It will be worse once you are actually within its borders."Puck snorted."Doesn't seem like it's affecting you much, Cat."That is because I am smarter than you and prepare for these things.""Really? How would you prepare for me tossing you into a lake?”

Tags : Grimalkin Humor Puck
Author : Julie Kagawa
Source : The Iron Queen

165. “Oh, goodie," Puck said as I stepped forward. "I'm going to have a rash in the most uncomfortable places.”

Tags : Humor Puck Robin Goodfellow
Author : Julie Kagawa
Source : The Iron Queen

166. “Oh that looked painful," called another Puck, a little farther down. "We really need to talk about your anger-management problems.”

Tags : Humor Puck
Author : Julie Kagawa
Source : The Iron King

167. “I'm sure I'll feel much more grateful when I find a guy who thinks complex wiring in a girl is a turn-on.”

Tags : Cinder Cyborg Girl Humor Marissa Meyer
Author : Marissa Meyer
Source : Cinder

168. “He leaned forward to inspect her closer. "Is that all hair?"... Sudden, overwhelming panic clawed up Cress's throat. With a squeak, she ducked out of view of the camera and scrambled beneath the desk. Her back struck the wall with a thud that rattled her teeth. She crouched there, skin burning hot and pulse thundering as she took in the room before her— the room that he was now seeing too, with the rumpled bedcovers and the mustached man on all the screens telling her to grab her imaginary partner and swing them around."Wha—where'd she go?" Thorne's voice came to her through the screen."Honestly, Thorne." A girl. Linh Cinder? "Do you ever think before you speak?""What? What did I say?"" 'Is that all hair?' ""Did you see it? It was like a cross between a magpie nest and ball of yarn after it's been mauled by a cheetah."A beat. Then, "A cheetah?""It was the first big cat that came to mind.”

Tags : Cinder Cress Humor Thorne
Author : Marissa Meyer
Source : Cress

169. “See? Injustice. Here we are, risking our lives to rescue Kai and this whole planet, and Adri and Pearl get to go to the royal wedding. I’m disgusted. I hope they spill soy sauce on their fancy dresses.”Jacin’s concern turned fast to annoyance. “Your ship has some messed-up priorities, you know that?”“Iko. My name is Iko. If you don’t stop calling me the ‘ship,’ I am going to make sure you never have hot water during your showers again, do you understand me?”“Yeah, hold that thought while I go disable the speaker system.”“What? You can’t mute me. Cinder!”

Tags : Cinder Highlight Humor Iko Jacin
Author : Marissa Meyer
Source : Cress

170. “I don't like to think of it as 'stolen'. They have no proof that I didn't plan on giving it back.""You're kidding, right?"He shrugged. "You have no proof either."She squinted back at him. "Were you planning on giving it back?""Maybe."An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder's vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie.”

Tags : Cinder Humor Thorne
Author : Marissa Meyer
Source : Scarlet

171. “Linh Cinder. Such a pleasure. My master has spoken so highly of you.”Cinder paused and studied her again. “Who are you?”“I’m called Darla. I am Captain Thorne’s mistress.”Cinder blinked. “Excuse me?”“He asked me to stay and keep watch over the vehicle,” she said. “He’s just gone inside to be heroic. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know you’re here. I believe he’s under the impression that you’re out in space somewhere.”

Tags : Cinder Darla Humor
Author : Marissa Meyer
Source : Cress

172. “You came after me. Against the geas, you came after me.” He felt the shifting of muscle behind him as Bloodraven shrugged. “You ride like a pregnant woman. I feared for the horse.”

Tags : Humor
Author : P.L. Nunn

173. “If you lie there much longer, I’ll be tempted to tie you to the table legs and try buttering your ass instead of the toast.”

Tags : Erotic Romance Humor Sexy
Source : Iron Dominance

174. “He looked like a sexy ninja. Or a tiger ready to pounce on his prey. She just looked like she was sitting sideways on an invisible toilet. Curse the male species for making danger look so good!”

Tags : Humor Paranormal Romance
Author : Leia Shaw

175. “...our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John's handbag.”

Tags : Fashion Funny Gay Homosexuality Humor Humour
Source : Unnatural Selection

176. “MORGAN: Help me out here. THEO: What's up? MORGAN: Don't make me spell it out, Theo. THEO: Oh. MORGAN:Just talk dirty for a while.THEO: Blue-sky thinking. Thought shower. Full spectrum leadership. MORGAN: NOT corporate dirty. Sex dirty.THEO: I wouldn't know where to start.”

Tags : Chat Sex Humor
Author : Con Riley
Source : After Ben

177. “I stared up at the sky and raised my middle finger, just in case God was watching. I don't like being spied on.”

Tags : Cursing God Humor Innocent Middle Finger Privacy Secret Spied
Source : My Sister Lives on the Mantelpiece

178. “The au pair was bug-eyed. "What happened back there?""It's not our fault!" Dan babbled. "Those guys are crazy! They're like mini-Darth Vaders without the mask!""They're Benedictine monks!" Nellie exclaimed. "They're men of peace! Most of them are under vows of silence!""Yeah, well, not anymore," Dan told her. "They cursed us out pretty good. I don't know the language, but some things you don't have to translate.”

Tags : Benedictine Monks Cursing Dan Cahill Humor Nellie Gomez The39Clues
Author : Gordon Korman
Source : One False Note

179. “Keep driving," said a soft voice in my ear. "She will not bite if you keep driving."Fuck that. Fuck that idea like the fucking Captain of the Thai Fuck Team fucking at the fucking Tour de Fuck.”

Tags : Cursing Horror Humor
Author : David Wong
Source : John Dies at the End

180. “I don't know how to phrase this exactly but what the fuck?”

Tags : Cursing Humor
Author : Lev Grossman
Source : The Magician's Land

181. “Some people would not be dead if they have not gotten the things or people they had prayed for.”

Tags : Accident Accidents Aphorism Aphorisms Aphorist Aphorists Bless Blessed Blessing Blessings Cursing Death Downfall Funny Hilarious Humor Humorous Humour Joke Jokes Materialism Pray Prayer Satire

182. “I think, generally speaking, that children have a knack for picking up curse words. Having said that, my brother and I (although admittedly, it was I who displayed a higher level of fluency) took to cursing like frogs take to jumping. Mind you, we received excellent tutoring along the way.”

Tags : Cursing Humor Ireland Irish Writer Memoir
Author : J P Sexton
Source : The Big Yank: Memoir of a Boy Growing Up Irish

183. “It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.”

Tags : Books Humor

184. “In America, fundamentalist Christians believe the world was created 6,000 years ago - in England people drink in bars that are older than that.”

Tags : Humor
Author : Steve Aylett

185. “I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.”

Tags : Horror Humor Humorous Inspirational Pulp Fiction Steampunk
Author : G.D. Falksen

186. “Supervillain" means never having to say you're sorry”

Tags : Humor Inspirational Steampunk
Author : G.D. Falksen

187. “Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.”

Tags : Humor Life Politics Society

188. “Never confuse honor with stupidity!”

Tags : Honor Humor Stupidity
Source : The Crystal Shard

189. “All three combined is...a different kind of stupid formerly unheard of by humankind.”

Tags : Humor Stupidity
Author : Veronica Roth
Source : Divergent

190. “Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.”

Tags : Agatha Christie Funny Humor Stupidity
Source : A Murder Is Announced

191. “Men are pigs, darling. I really have every sympathy for women that they actually have to choose one of these arrogant, stupid morons to settle down with and marry.”

Tags : Humor Humour Marriage Men And Women Michael Stupidity Winner

192. “Me?...Stupid?” I fluttered my eyes innocently. “When have I ever done anything stupid?”“Don’t get me wrong, you’re the smartest person I know…” She fought back a smile. “But you have done some of the dumbest things I ever thought possible.”“So you have a point…” I shrugged. “Still not stopping me.”

Tags : Humor Paranormal Romance Stupidity
Author : M.A. George
Source : Relativity

193. “Well,” I said, “you obviously have some power. You chased off those hooligans with rotten fruit. Perhaps you have banana-kinesis? Or you can control garbage? I once knew a Roman goddess, Cloacina, who presided over the city’s sewer system. Perhaps you’re related…?”Meg pouted. I got the impression I might have said something wrong, though I couldn’t imagine what.”

Tags : Apollo Humor Meg Mccaffrey Stupidity
Author : Rick Riordan
Source : The Hidden Oracle

194. “IT (The country) IS HEADED TOWARD OVERSIMPLIFICATION. YOU WANT TO SEE A PRESIDENT OF THE FUTURE? TURN ON ANY TELEVISION ON ANY SUNDAY MORNING - FIND ONE OF THOSE HOLY ROLLERS: THAT'S HIM, THAT'S THE NEW MISTER PRESIDENT! AND DO YOU WANT TO SEE THE FUTURE OF ALL THOSE KIDS WHO ARE GOING TO FALL IN THE CRACKS OF THIS GREAT, BIG, SLOPPY SOCIETY OF OURS? I JUST MET HIM; HE'S A TALL, SKINNY, FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY NAMED "DICK." HE'S PRETTY SCARY. WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM IS NOT UNLIKE WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE TV EVANGELIST - OUR FUTURE PRESIDENT. WHAT'S WRONG WITH BOTH OF THEM IS THAT THEY'RE SO SURE THEY'RE RIGHT! THAT'S PRETTY SCARY - THE FUTURE, I THINK, IS PRETTY SCARY.”

Tags : Future Generations Future Prediction Humor Politicians Politics President Stupidity
Author : John Irving
Source : A Prayer for Owen Meany

195. “-Hay vida en todas partes, hasta en el fondo del mar. Y por todas partes la extingue la estupidez humana”

Tags : Humor Stupidity

196. “The greatest ugliness in the world is seeing so beautiful a creature spoil themselves on stupidity.”

Tags : Beauty Humor Stupidity Ugliness
Source : The Leaf Flute - A Marridon Novella

197. “...it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone else into the same ridiculous mould. It’s an artist’s right to rebel against the world’s stupidity.”

Tags : Art Artists Be Yourself Catholic Author Creative Process Encouragement Funny Gadfly Humor Humor Inspirational Individuality Inspirational Ironic Irony Irony Of Life Rebel Rebellion Rebels Stupidity Stupidity Of Man Uniqueness
Source : Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

198. “Hiram!' Shelton ran to Hi's side. 'Aren't you you bleeding? I thought she shot you!''Red wine. When I saw it running everywhere, I played dead.' He winced as Shelton poked his belly. 'But I'm not leaping off any more shelves. That was pretty stupid.”

Tags : Humor Stupidity Virals
Author : Kathy Reichs

199. “I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It's really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself.”

Tags : Humor Stupidity Suicide
Source : Kiss Me, Judas

200. “Actually it was the mark of the stupid, which is what you get for sitting under a tree during a thunderstorm.”

Tags : Humor Stupidity
Author : Carl Hiaasen
Source : Chomp